I can text with my tongue
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
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