I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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