I cockslap morals
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
