I'd wear matching sweaters with you
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Randomize
