im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
