the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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