we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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