I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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