it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
