I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
