The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
