I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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