Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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