I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
