The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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