You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
