today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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