Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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