so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
