I bet he comes in French.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
