mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
