Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
