Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
