I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
