I wish I only lived at night.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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