he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
