Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
