so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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