You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
