You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
