call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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