Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
