Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
