I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
