True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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