Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
