drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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