Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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