you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
