For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
