im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i think i have herpe
just one?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
