The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
