when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
