I wish my penis had an off switch
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
