Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
