she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
