I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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