So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
