Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
