they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
