Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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