This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
