Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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