I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
