someone threw a dead crab at me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
