Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
why do cheetos always look like penises
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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