Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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