Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
