Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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