Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
