I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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