I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
