I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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