drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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