There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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